Saturday, February 19, 2011

When Anger Rules!

Dear God,

I sense emotions creating havoc inside my head…rather a single emotion, anger, shaking the very base of my being. I try to be rational, to think before I speak, to try and act cool, calm and composed…but with every passing moment, I sense the temper rising within me, shooting up swift. And before I can walk away, or count up to ten, or take deep breath and pacify myself, I sense anger exploding from within, like piping hot lava gushing and rushing from an erupted volcano…red, hot and scalding anyone who comes in its way. 

I sense my eyes locking on the wrong doer, the source of my anger…my jaws set, my eyes staring into hers, forcing her to look away. Breathing heavy, I mutter words in a hissing tone that sounds like those of a cold blooded murderer. At least, it feels that way in my mind.  I realize that I am trying to talk less, not because I don’t want to, but because I sense the beginning of the familiar stutter wedging itself into my utterances. I know that the angrier I get, the more I am going to stumble over words, my brain having frozen in the fury.

A part of my brain sees the target, wide eyed like a deer caught in headlights…and I see the gradual change in her posture….the shoulders slump, eyes avert, words come out in a voice laced with panic…attempting to fix the situation, trying anything that would save herself from the wrath that’s being directed at her…

 I feel the ticking of a lone nerve somewhere close to my temple…and I sense the onset of yet another headache…the aftermath of allowing anger to trample over good sense…the result of allowing anger to have a free reign. I know that this headache is going to keep me awake tonight, and feel angrier…this shouldn’t have been…Somewhere in my mind, the villainous thought creeps in that if I am going to end up in pain, I’d better make the trip worth it…

I look at her again, and see her looking at me wide eyed,  her hands clasped together  tight. I pause for a minute, wondering in my mind, if I look like the fire spitting dragon to her. Do I want to be that scary being who would take her day from good to awful with my words so powerful it might scar her for a very long time, I wonder. I look at her and realize that it’s okay…mistakes happen…nothing that cannot be fixed…nothing that’s going to end the world. And in an attempt to soothe my nerves, and hers , I give a shaky smile. 

I hear myself telling her it’s alright, as long as the mistake is not repeated. And as though it would help erase the guilt, I rub my forehead and walk away, thanking the invisible Angel who helped me hold my tongue and praying that some day, I’ll have enough sense to let patience prevail over anger.

 Signing Off,

The Irritable One

16 comments:

  1. So been there. Lately too many times. Irrational anger over tiny things that really dont deserve the intensity of emotion. Denying and defusing the anger is more difficult than the explosion. Well done and hugs.

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  2. Also been there done that. Good stuff.

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  3. An angel indeed...I've been on both sides of this particular equation. Forgiveness is never easy, but I believe it raises us up, whereas anger becomes toxic to both parties. Kudos for keeping it together.

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  4. So, well written. I need that Angel with me more often. I know that it costs so much more energy to hold onto anger than to just let it go- but I don't always practice it.

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  5. Wonderful post. I've sometimes been so angry I thought I would explode. I think that you have a good heart. You seemed to calm down and show mercy when you saw how upset and frightened she was.

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  6. angry young woman ha??
    hehe..just kidding..
    i rely liked the second para..even i stumble wen m at my extremes..either I'm too low to utter the words or I'm too high to think before speaking, and to end it all, i rush into another room. Close the door and let music shout into my ears..n that helps. When m done, I forget everything n move out..

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  7. It's so hard to take control of feelings in the heat of the moment. Well done for managing to and then being able to convey the experience so well in this post.

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  8. Well done on keeping it together. Anger can be frighteningly destructive and repenting at leisure is less fun than it sounds. An engaging read.

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  9. Fab writing. It's so tough to keep that anger inside - well done for being the better woman.

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  10. I am proud to see that you took time to think it through and come to a positive conclusion, anger is a tough one to keep in check, I have made this mistake so many times and you are correct in that patience will prevail, it gets easier I promise.

    Writing it down helps me so much when I take the time to walk away and write it down :)

    Excellent Post my Friend.

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  11. i admire you for not letting your anger rule you. it's normal to burst into rage sometimes but you managed your emotions and even think of how your words might affect the girl. very mature. :)

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  12. In the overall scheme of the universe, I find little that is truly worth getting angry over.

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  13. When you put it that way...
    It really does make one (me!) reflect on my past emotional outbursts. This was really thought provoking.

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  14. @Mynx: Thank you...and I hope things are better with you...*hugs*

    @Haven: Thank you...

    @Odie: Thank you Odie.

    @Li: It was difficult, but as you said, I've been on the receiving end too...so I know how it feels.

    @A Cappelli: I don't practice it either. It's so difficult.

    @Bothered: Thank you...I hope so...

    @Aayushi: lol...sometimes, an angry young woman, yep...

    @Happy Frog: Thank you...

    @Becca: Thank you...:)

    @light208: I agree....

    @Baglady: Thank you...:)

    @Jimmy: Writing about it seems like a good idea. I should try it.

    @Maria:Thank you...it was a bit difficult, but not impossible

    @Dad: I know..and I hope I can keep that in mind when I lose it the next time

    @Sandra: All of us have our own weak points, don't we?

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