Friday, December 17, 2010

It's That Time Again!


Dear God,

It’s that time of the year again…the time of heartaches and heart breaks, the time of palpitations and sweaty palms (for me of course)… time for expectations and disappointments…it’s the time of the year when the Office Santa called Appraisal Meeting comes knocking on our doors…

 It’s the time of the year when they take you high in the sky telling you how great an employee you are and then drop you hard on the ground with your past insolences, idiocies and mediocrities flung back in the face…it’s the time of the year when the Bell Curve will decide whether you’ve been a good girl or a naughty boy and give you your gifts…

It’s around this time of the year I always end up suffering from a special sort of amnesia…it’s a seasonal thing, you see…it makes me forget all the important, positive things I’ve done during the year…the finished projects, the awards, the appreciations…everything is wiped off the slate…but…I remember all the bad bits…every one of them…as clear as it happened just yesterday…the deadlines missed, the mistakes made, the reports overlooked…all of it keeps playing in a loop in my head…amazing transmission… The mere thought of having the appraisal discussion makes me feel like I’m back in school…and it feels like the time for the report card, in all its gory glory, to be handed over to Parents. 

I see my colleagues preparing themselves for these discussions earnestly and I’m left gulping for air…Maybe…just maybe, that’s because I’ve no clue what I’m going to talk in there. I see them going in for their discussions all prepared to fight the lion and beat him too and I panic. I panic because I know that when it’s my turn to step into the arena, I’d gladly let the lion paw me without even trying to fight my case. 

Normally, I take an “Off to the Dentist” approach to these meetings…the sooner they get over, the better…At least, I don’t have to walk around with the feeling of the whole animal kingdom let loose in my stomach…But this year, I’ve tried a different approach…I’ve tried dilly dallying it until it’s come to the point where I’m the only one left to have the discussion. I’ve been trying to push the date for the discussion until it cannot be postponed any further…

I’ve gone through my reviews and I know that my manager has more good things to say about me than I have… (Bless you, Big B)…I know I don’t have any reason to be nervous and I keep telling myself that it will be fine… but I know that I’m going to have a severe case of sweaty palms and brain shut down the moment I step in for my discussion. 

And I have a fair idea why I’m dreading this meeting…it’s because however hard I try to prepare myself to argue my points, the minute a counter argument comes up, I’m going to forget what I wanted in the first place…The minute I smell confrontation in the air, my brain’s going to freeze and I’m going to give in…And I’m going to forget why I wanted that promotion or why I wanted that raise…or why I was even in the room having the discussion…Dear God, how am I ever going to convince Big B about any of it when I cannot convince myself that I can fight for what I want.

I’ve got The Meeting today…I’m dreading it but at the same time, what I’m really really hoping for is that the Ghosts of Appraisal Past and Appraisal Present will help me realize the need for me to go there and take the bull by the horns and emerge victorious…I hope, I hope…sigh…!

The Worried Employee

Addendum: The meeting is officially over...the traitor called brain did the regular shut down (nothing new)...but due to timely intervention...in the form of constantly reminding myself to speak up, I was able to speak about my career aspirations and expectations. Whether I get what I asked for is another story, but I'm glad I spoke up and told Big B what I had on my mind.

Thanks to every one of you for the tips, advices and good wishes. mwaaaah and hugs....I'm real happy it's over...for this year at least!

13 comments:

  1. Know which battles to fight and fight for yourself. Do not let all of your accomplishments go without recognition otherwise credit will not be issued even though it has been earned.

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  2. share your pain, hang in there caterpillar.

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  3. Good luck...just remember--you deserve good!

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  4. I'm sort of nervous just reading about it...gulp.
    I'm sure you will do excellently!

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  5. @Asian Angel: Thanks....I'm trying to get myself prepared...
    @Shopgirl and ANichols: Thanks guys....!
    @Sandra: I hope I will do well...gulp! :)

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  6. You can do this! Just try to not think about it. Try to think of it as any other day. Also, remember to smile for about 15-30 seconds before walking into the room. It releases chemicals in the brain that relax you!

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  7. I'm sure everything is going to be ok. Do what Christine said - try not to think about it and keep in mind that you can do this!

    And good luck :)

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  8. everything will be fine darling! and btw i found that really interesting!! good luck! :)
    moriya x

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  9. @Christine: Thanks dear...that's a good idea...
    @Starlight: Yup...that's what I'm telling myself...
    @Moriya: Thanks...on both counts... :)

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  10. All good advice Cat. Go in smiling and confident because that will tell them who the real Cat is.
    Get em girl.

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  11. Gosh, I'm nervous for you now after reading your post! I'm sure THEY will know all the good things you have done throughout the year and that you will have nothing to worry about, but I really liked the description of how things were going to happen in your mind!! Do let us know how it all went.

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  12. Wishing you much luck and courage. I am sure you are going to be just fine.

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  13. @Odie...Thank you...I'll try... :)
    @Thisisme: I'll let u guys know how it went..
    @A Cappelli: Thanks...I hope I'll be fine...I've already got sweaty palms...

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