Friday, November 12, 2010

The Battle Within

Dear God,

I've a headache....I've a headache from thinking too much, for too long. I've a headache from the battle that had  raged within my head a few hours ago.

 I have always believed that every person living has an Angel and a Devil living inside him or her....and that there would be infrequent fights between them to see who wins it out. I have had these fights in my head before, but for some time now, have been free of them...or so I thought.

Something upsetting happened today, and before I could let common sense prevail and take care of the situation and my attitude and feelings towards what had happened...the Devil inside my head made a jump for it...and landed with the prize...He hadn't made an appearance in a long, long time and I wasn't ready for the attack. Before  blink of an eye, he  made sure that all the unhappy memories from past, all the hurtful words, insecurities, failures...everything unpleasant was tossed at me... He made sure that all I could think of was how much of a disappointment I had been to everyone around me. He mocked me, spat at me, even questioned why I bothered to be...He kept whispering to me... "You're not good", "This is all a mistake", "You'd better quit"....and even told me that hurting myself would be a good idea. I could hear myself wondering if it would hurt too much...

The Angel had been locked away by him, but her voice, faint, made itself heard. "I love you", she said, "I love you a lot"....Her voice kept drowning in the cacophony he kicked up inside me, but she was persistent...She told me I was good, I had a chance to be happy, it was not my fault and I was fine as I was.

I stood in front of the mirror and I saw the reflection staring back at me. It had its eyebrows furrowed, face distorted in bitterness, blank eyes that stared deep into mine... I broke the gaze and splashed water on my face... I stepped away and sat down, waiting for the voices to die down... Her voice gained strength and told me it'd be all right if I'd let it be... She promised that I'd be fine.

I felt an arm around my shoulders and leaned in to him...I was scared to be alone but I didn't want him to know... I wanted to ask him to stay but I saw him to the door. I prayed for the bitter voice in my head to die down...I prayed for it all to go away....and gradually, as I counted my breaths with eyes closed, I realized that it was silent again. I could still hear her tell me it was alright... I was fine and I had survived without inflicting any harm on myself...I had managed to win over him once more. The battle was over and I had emerged victorious. The only calamity was a headache that remained.

Thank You God...for your silent presence....for seeing me through this...and holding my hand all the time.

Me.

6 comments:

  1. That's a very touching story... I'm glad you won and I'm wondering if you have someone to talk to when the Devil is overtaking the Angel.
    When I have moments like this a conversation with someone rational is very helpful... Because in these moments I'm far from being rational...
    *hug*

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  2. I'm so glad you shared your story. I've been there too and understand. For me, I sit down and type out all my feelings...and then delete them and let them go. I throw on uplifting music to tramp down any bad feelings left.

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  3. Thanks everyone..... *hugs back*.... I have the remainder of a headache I went to bed with and its nasty.
    @Starlight: That's just what I did...I called one of my best friends and talked to her for a long time....
    @SLLH: Thank you.... writing about it definitely made me feel better...
    Now if only, I could get rid of this headache...

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  4. nice read!

    i'm so glad you were able to emerge the winner in this mental battle. have you read the devil and ms prym? your post reminds me of the book. and as paulo coelho would say it, we are all susceptible but it's just a matter of control.:)

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  5. @Maria: Thank you.... I'm a fan of Paulo Coelho books...but haven't read The Devil and Ms.Prym.I will get hold of that book some time soon...and I agree....it's just a matter of control... :)

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