Wednesday, October 20, 2010

We will miss you......forever!

Dear God,

I know that all I have done over the course of the past few days is write entries which have been ranting and raving about the injustices of this institution called life... and well...this post isn't quite off the mark, but is not ranting for once. This is a eulogy for a dear friend who chose to leave us behind and embark on a journey into the unknown...

He had asked me to do a few things:
1. To stop being lazy and get back on my feet and get fit.
2. To stop slouching and get my posture to resemble that of a normal human being.
3. To call him once in a while because that would help us keep in touch.

I didn't comply with any of his demands... I was always confident of finding him around to poke fun at me, rag me and laugh along when I tried to outsmart him at the verbal flings. He was one of my husband's friends from school days, and had effortlessly made his way into my list of friends which is as limited as being able to be counted out on fingers.

From the first day I met him, we hit it off and got on like house on fire. The friendship I shared with him reminded me of the relationship I had with my sister... the two of us laughing effortlessly at some silly joke which the others rolled their eyes at.

He was the friend who apologized for the gang if things went wrong, he was the friend who escorted his friend home day after day, every day after work, though it meant an extra ride to a town farther away from his home, he was the friend who would be the first one to pitch in to help any time you needed it, whether you asked or not.

He was someone you'd meet and never forget... my sister remembered him as the lean guy who had the rate of speech that gave the sophisticated rockets a run for their money... My father remembered him as the guy who had come around twice in a day to just make sure that his check up had been done without any delays, though that meant an extra trip from the concern he worked for, in the age of Mobile Phones.

I would always remember him as the friend I'd never be able to replace with any one else, however hard I would try.

I  had never realized how good a friend he was to me until the minute my husband broke the news to me that "........ committed suicide." Something froze inside my brain and I kept hoping that it was just one his practical jokes to get us to go meet the gang... "he couldn't do something like that... he wouldn't... maybe, a mistake... but then he would be fine... maybe, he's in hospital.... he'd be fine!!!", my mind kept coming up with reasons not to believe the plain truth that seemed to stare me in the face.... My mind wouldn't work itself out of the daze and I kept admonishing him for having done something as foolish as this, as though it would bring him back to life. I was finally convinced of the fact that he'd never be back when I saw him lying motionless, covered in white shroud. That scene etched itself firmly in my mind and confirmed that this was it!

I wouldn't go into the details of why and how, but the painful thought keeps crossing my mind on how much pain he must have endured if he had decided to end it all... how big a fall it must have been for him to think that he would never be able to get up and get going again... It sends spasms of pain shooting inside my mind when I wonder if it would have hurt him a lot.. I keep wondering if we could have done something differently that would have helped him...

I didn't know I would miss him so much... I didn't know I considered him as good as a sibling... until it was too late... 

It has been four days now, and I blame him and pray for him alternatively in my mind. One moment, I feel furious at him for having made the decision, but in the next, I pray for him, pleading to keep him safe and happy wherever he choose to be. Every time I think about him, I see his laughing face one moment and his lifeless face the other. I find myself trying hard to hold back the tears that refuse to dry up and control the sobs as I think about him. 

I want to remember him as the kind, considerate and funny guy he had always been... I want to remember him for his jokes and his non-stop chattering. I want to remember him for his  kind and helpful nature. I want to remember him as the one who brought the crowd alive with his mischief making and tomfoolery. I want to remember him as the guy with the twinkle in his eye... 

I realize that I have not been prepared to accept that death takes away your dear ones from you, and so I have moved him into this compartment in my brain which has been trained to believe that people placed in that precious alcove are the ones who will be around me forever though I might not be able to meet them in person or even talk with them. For me, he is alive in that alcove, and I believe that he is fine now.... he has put the past behind him and is ready to face the world head on.In my world, I can talk to him, ridicule him for being so stupid and console him that it's alright....

But then, wherever you are, Friend, know so much... I know I will meet you one day, some day.... and when I do, the first thing I would do would be to march up to you, give you a whack right across the face, and when you have recovered, look you in the eye and say that you have always been a good friend and that I am glad to have seen you finally...

One day, some day, I know I will meet you and I will look forward to that day so that I can tell you... that you were loved....and missed....by all of us and we will remember you for ever!

God, keep him safe wherever he is...

The Friend in Denial

4 comments:

  1. This is a really beautiful post. I never manage to find the right words to say to someone who has lost a friend or relative so excuse me if this is a little clumsy - I hope you can cling on to the happy, fun memories, feel glad that you met him, don't dwell on the decisions made or the pain felt and believe that he is now in peace no matter who that came about.

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  2. @Louba: Thank you...I am trying to do just that...It's hard at times, but not impossible.

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  3. I lost a cousin to suicide too. And I know how utterly confusing and frustrating it is. you ask yourself a thousand questions.. why, how.. he could have spoken with me.. all these swirl in your mind. there is really nothing that someone can say to comfort you that really helps, i feel.you have to deal with it in your own pace.
    i hope you will forever remember him for the joy he brought to your life. I am sure he is looking after you from above.

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  4. @Rohini: Thank you...and I hope he is happy wherever he is...and all of us will finally be able to accept the fact that he is not around.

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